I felt pregnant.
It was our third IVF attempt, and it seemed like they’d finally gotten my drug protocol right. We made four gorgeous embryos, two of which were top rated, one of which was 8-celled, symmetrical and seemingly perfect.
I was so certain I’d get pregnant with at least one of those little suckers that I’d started to fantasize/panic about the possibility of twins. I mentally shopped for the minivan and double stroller I’d need, and indulged in some concern over never being able to afford airline travel again.
I had promised Dave I wouldn’t take a home pregnancy test during the two week wait— bad karma – so I held out for the blood test at the doctor’s office.
All systems seemed to be go: Aunt Flo was late, I was exhausted and my bra felt tight. When the nurse called using her bad news voice, I thought maybe they had mixed up the lab results. I peed in a cup just to be sure. No baby.
There isn’t much time for mourning when you’re mothering a toddler, but sometimes emotions cannot be denied. Right after I got the news, I drove Viv to the playground and couldn’t find a parking spot. Then I spotted one, but only in my rear view mirror as I passed it by. I sped around the block to grab the open spot, but managed to miss it again (distracted much?). On my third attempt to get the same parking spot, someone snaked it just as I was about to pull in. I burst into tears.
I couldn’t park. I couldn’t park for anything. I had tried three times to park, and even my third try had failed.
“Mommy, are you sad?” Viv asked from the back seat.
Crap. I didn’t want that moment to end up in my daughter’s nightmares or future therapy sessions. I had to get it under control.
“A little bit, honey,” I sniffled. “Mommy’s frustrated because I can’t find a parking spot.”
“Are you sad about the parking, Mommy?”
“Yes, sweetheart. Mommy has been trying SO HARD to find a parking spot. Maybe I just have to keep trying.”
And of course we eventually found parking. Because even in Los Angeles, finding parking is easier than making a baby over 40.
Keep trying. The words haunted me. A good lesson for Viv, but realistic for me? We’re supposed to see Dr. Rosenpenis for another creepy post mortem next week, and I believe he’ll tell us they’ve done all they can, medically speaking.
Dave thinks science just doesn’t work for us. We made Viv naturally, and maybe we can still do it again. Or, naturally, but with whatever acupuncture/ayurvedic/holistic/nutritional nonsense plan I can throw together. We’re lousy with that stuff in California.
But Dave’s point was that Viv is a miracle. “We just need another miracle,” he told me. This automatically reminded me of The Grateful Dead. “I Need a Miracle” is the name of a song, and also a popular method of scoring a free ticket at the entrance to the show.
Via Flickr/LizBallerPhotos
Yes, it occurred to me that anybody old enough to have firsthand Grateful Dead experience is really pushing the bounds on reproductive age.
A miracle would help.
I am praying for a miracle for you.
Thanks Beth. Prayer is probably more effective than anything we’ve tried.
Son of a bitch. All I can say is that you have a strong following of people, including many that you’ve never met personally who are thousands of miles away, hoping you get a little Scarlet Begonia or Tennessee Jed one day.
Andy recently posted..The Russian Sky is Falling
I would agree to name my kid Althea if that got the job done! Thanks Andy.
Amy, hoping for a miracle for you. Keep us posted.
And yes, as a fellow LA girl, I totally get the frustrations of the parking spot search. Not fun!
Nina recently posted..5 reasons why I suck at being a mom sometimes
Thanks, I will.
Aww honey. Sending you big, sparkly pregnancy vibes all the way from New Zealand. Those vibes keep multiplying on their journey so by the time they get to you they’ll be super strong
Sue @ WubBooMummy recently posted..Blogtabulous Kim Bongiorno
Sparkles en route with a cute accent…can’t wait. Thanks.
Wishing you the best to come your way, I’m sorry you’re going through so much frustration. Big baby vives sent your way all the way from the middle of nowhere Hobbs NM 🙂
Alexandra recently posted..My little Musician
Thanks Alexandra – I’m starting to think all these long distance baby vibes could be the magic ingredient I’ve been missing!
I am 43 and still trying for #2, although not with any medical help. I think my disappointment each month is therefore only a fraction of what you are experiencing. No little embryos to fall in love with.
But the miracle truly is your daughter (and my 2 1/2 yr old). We are lucky, indeed, no matter what happens.
Kimberly rotter recently posted..Enjoy National Public Sleeping Day!
Kimberly, it’s so hard. I wish you all the luck and baby magic. I hope it helps to know that drastic fertility intervention isn’t even a magic bullet – at least it wasn’t for us. Keep trying and think of the SNL comedian Rachel Dratch who got accidentally pregnant with her healthy baby right before turning 44. Keep me posted on you! And yes we should both treasure our toddlers (but boy does mine need someone to boss around).
AARGH. I feel your pain, and am SO sorry it didn’t take. I’m 44 and have been trying for another one as well. I hope you get your miracle soon. <3
Kristi Campbell recently posted..What being a special needs mom feels like
I didn’t know you were 44! We have an over 40 club! Have you tried any special methods besides the old fashioned way? Nothing is working for us so I have nothing to recommend, but people keep sending me names of acupuncturists and nutrtionists and I will probably dabble so it makes me feel like I’m doing something. Magic baby dust to you xo
The tough thing about having a baby over 40 is it makes lying about your age tough, trust me I did it…the baby over 40 thing…And so will you. Hang in there and if nothing else, Dave will be thrilled with you coming home every night saying “Let’s go make a miracle.”
xo,
Meredith
Meredith recently posted..Cougarwatch: It’s Not Objectifying If You’re Over 40.
Oh, I’m going to have to find out your get-pregnant secrets. Why do I think it involves doing it upside down and under water?
Thanks so much for sharing with us. I have been through early pregnancy loss a whopping three times, and it is frustrating beyond belief. I can only imagine what adding the layer of IVF does to your emotional chaos. I got teary reading the parking space part, because I would have reacted the same way. It’s always the little thing that puts you over the emotional edge.
Stephanie recently posted..Virtually Authentic: Parenting in the Age of Social Media
Me too Stephanie, only the losses were pre IVF. With IVF I couldn’t even manage to conceive, which really makes me wonder. It all sucks but I think it helps when we are open and talk about it. Thanks for sharing too!