Do you want to see something disgusting?
No?
Aw come on.
This is the “tea” that my acupuncture doctor wants me to drink twice a day to help me get pregnant. It looks like swamp mud. It smells like someone pooped poison mushrooms.
When I confess to her that I just can’t choke it down, my acupuncturist gives me a long, withering look of disapproval, then substitutes some apparently less effective yet still stanky capsules that have to be taken in huge quantities — 48 per day! No joke.
I thought the only hurdle I’d have to overcome with fertility acupuncture was the needles, which, while thin and not terribly painful, just look creepy sticking out of my body while I lay there for 30 minutes (you try not peeking – it’s impossible).
And then there’s my acupuncturist herself, who terrifies me. She’s like a Bond villain.
This week she hands me a bag of ping pong balls and says I have to take two a day. Say wha??? I’m pretty sure even seasoned drug mules would have trouble gulping these down:
Turns out the pills are hidden inside the ping pong balls. To release the pills from the balls, I have to slam them in a door. Those are my real instructions. Only a Bond villain would come up with something so bizarre and complicated. (Then again, it’s pretty rad child-proofing, way more Fort Knoxy than your average Tylenol bottle.)
Before
After
My visits to the acupuncturist are getting so weird, sometimes I wonder where the hidden camera is. Am I being acu-punked?
Using Eastern medicine for fertility is a great racket because there is no way to prove it works. If I do get pregnant, I won’t know if it was due to acupuncture or my Western doctors or Dave’s super sperm or prayer–I’ll just be so psyched that I’ll tell everyone I meet, “You have to do acupuncture. You must.” The whole thing’s a pyramid scheme.
All right, I’m just cranky because our first IVF attempt failed and we’re gearing up for round two and I don’t love adding a few million pills to all the shots but I want to be able to say that I tried everything. If anyone out there knows a good fertility dance, especially one that burns carbs, pass it on. I think that’s next.
Thinking of you Amy and sending wishes your way!
Thank you! This whole thing is really dragging on….
Good evening from Japan
No offense, but reading your story I am really under the impression, you have been seeing a “voodoo doctor”. I am an acupuncturist (30 years experience) working in Japan.
Maybe you should try and find someone sensible, who is working in the “Japanese” style, as opposed to “Chinese traditional(?)” medicine. I have never heard any horror stories like the one you tell from anyone I know …
(in case there is something I can help out with via mail … any time.)
Thomas
Thanks Thomas. Great to hear from a professional! What is the difference between the different techniques? Are you saying you think I could do the needles without the herbs?
Listen to Thomas. I don’t know him or anything about him but I agree with his comment.
Seriously?! Are those ping pong balls even legal? I am just kidding of course, but you will be able to say you have tried *everything*…if you also add japanese accupuncture to the chinese one. You are an IVF inspiration!
Thanks Sherie. I’m overwhelmed.
Oh my gosh, how thoroughly frustrating. I think I’d be pretty skeptical about the pills too, especially because there are so danged many of them. It seems weird. I like to be open minded about alternative medicine, but it has to at least be logical. If it doesn’t feel right to you, maybe you should stop.
I’ve been down the “sub-fertile” road myself, and the only advice I can offer is to keep trying. I eventually made it through taking fertility drugs and the third round of IUI. Best wishes to you.
Anonyvox recently posted..Bleah…
I love hearing success stories. Congrats to you!
… Wowza! Baby dust your way!
Natalya @ Ruff House Art
Thanks – I could use it!
Oh my gosh I can not imagine how difficult is it to take that many pills a day! I’m sending any kind of positive energy I can possibly think of your way! By the way I absolutely love the title it made laugh incredibly loud and awkward-like. 😛
Thanks Sara! I need all the positive energy (or really any energy – I’m pooped) I can get. Hope you will subscribe to the blog!
I went to an acupuncturist to help me go into labor (didn’t work, like, at all). My acupuncturist used incense at my feet and hung the incense on the needles that were IN MY TOES. She burned my toes a few times but when I would wince she would relocate the incense, burning another toe instead. She never gave me pills but I did leave her ‘clinic’ smelling of barf-scented incense. Good luck!
Lauren recently posted..Today.
Oh no! What a horror story. Needles as hangers – oy. Thanks for the laugh though!